Who We Are

Even after so many months, so many prayers, so many tears, there are still some things that weigh heavy on my heart. Things I don’t understand or can’t quite move past. In the past couple of weeks, God has graciously lifted two of those burdens off of my hurting heart.

Was it worth it?

I asked myself that almost everyday. (And still do at times.) I wrote about it, prayed about it, and realized I was trying to convince myself that losing our babies was worth being more Christ-like. God deemed it worth it, therefore I should.

But in my heart I knew the truth.

I knew that I don’t really deem being more compassionate, more faithful, more trusting worth the loss of each and every baby thus far. And I knew that was wrong, because being fit for heaven is worth the cost. I finally confessed my wrong attitude and my doubt to God, and feeling so sad I remembered the poem about waiting a friend had shared with me. And then it hit me:

It wasn’t just to make me less sinful and more like Him. That is a major reason for trials, and it’s worth whatever is costs. But there is another reason I had overlooked.

It was to show me who He is.

Trials are for our good, but also for His glory. He reveals His glory in revealing more of Himself, and being able to better grasp who my Lord and Savior is is worth the cost. I feel like as Job said in Job 42:5-6 “I had heard of you by the hearing of the ear, but now my eye sees you; therefore I despise myself and repent in dust and ashes.”

I had heard about God’s compassion and His love, His strength and His grace for every day. But in needing it so desperately, I was able to see it, and that made me realize even deeper my great need of Him. My need of the strength He gives, and my need of His refining fire.

I need to be fit for heaven, and in seeing how holy and just and merciful God is, it makes more clear how unholy, unjust, and impure I really am. He is refining me, and drawing me closer to Him. I will never completely grasp who He is while here on earth, but He does allow us to get to know Him, and that, my dear friend, is worth it.

Because without Him, you have absolutely nothing of real value. He’s everything.

He is everything.

As I studied on that, I realized that one of the other things that weighed so heavily on my heart was this: I was so sick of wondering. I see quotes of how people who lose children have to endure a lifetime of wondering who that child might have been. I get so weighed down over wishing we could have watched our children grow up into who they were going to be. And again, God graciously opened up my eyes to this truth:

Our children are more than we wanted them to be. And to some extent, we know who they are.

They are loving. They are righteous. They are holy. They are pure. They are like Christ. They are in His will. They are redeemed. They are His.

And they are these things perfectly.

As Christian parents, I would have prayed for the Holy Spirit to make them see their need for Christ. We began praying for our children’s salvation the moment we knew they were alive. And we would have continued to pray that prayer for them until God worked in their hearts.

Then our prayers would have turned into prayers of guidance. We would have prayed that their life would be governed by God, their desires dictated by His, their life under His loving design.

We don’t know what their favorite color would have been, or their hobbies, or their favorite food. And that hurts deeply. But we would have done our best to raise them to be respectful, loving, considerate, God-honoring children. And you know what? They are. Better than if we would have raised them to be.

The personality traits we would have prayed to God to teach them have been bestowed upon them perfectly. They are His, completely, and fully, and eternally. And that is the biggest thing that matters.

So don’t spend your whole life wondering who they might have been without also rejoicing over who they are. Or who God is. Or who He’s shaping you to be.

I pray every day that God will allow Brian and I to have at least one child here, so that we can have the pleasure of watching them grow, pointing them to Him, loving them and learning all about them, including their favorites and the unique things about each one of them. Knowing our children are His is a comfort indeed, but it doesn’t take away our desire to have children here with us. And He knows and understands that.

So keep praying. Pray what’s on your heart. Search His Word for answers. Thank Him for who He is.

And while you wait, watch His mercies unfold.

© Grace Baeten 2020