I should’ve known that Brian and I would have frustrations in our marriage. Even though there were red flags along the way, there was just no one else I could’ve loved like him. He was, and still is, my best friend. However, that’s wasn’t enough to make a Biblical marriage.
I knew our issues weren’t all his fault, but it quickly became apparent that he had not been raised to be a Biblical leader. That left me taking charge of our relationship, and with my dominant personality, it wasn’t hard to do at first.
I don’t want to paint a bad picture of either one of us here. I still would look back and describe our marriage as good, but it wasn’t Biblical, and that is what left something to be desired.
Our marriage “worked” for about 4 years, with the normal coming and going of close times and harder times. As we got closer to having our son, Seth, I began studying Biblical parenting, marriage, and family functioning. As I did, I became more unhappy with our marriage, because it did such a poor job of doing what marriage is designed to do. One of marriage’s purposes is to be a a picture of Christ’s relationship with the church.
I was ready to start afresh, but my biggest frustration quickly became the fact that my husband was not. In fact, he liked not having to be a leader at home because being a leader required a lot of work.
After Seth was born we started winter, which had always been a harder season for my husband. This was the worst year yet and I had just about had it. I loved Brian, but I was so sick of his disinterest and poor self discipline. And I was really sick of doing everything around the house.
Brian and I argued about marital roles, and I prayed he’d have a desire to do the right thing. Nothing happened at first, although things got a little better as winter ended and spring came.
And then…and I have to laugh a little because sometimes answers to prayers come in such surprising ways…I was at my yearly physical discussing some health issues and my doctor recommended a book to my husband and me.
“Intended for Pleasure” by Dr. Ed Wheat. We got it from the library and to my complete shock, it described our marriage down to the last detail. It told us what was wrong with it and what it took to fix it, all from a Biblical standpoint. I literally cried.
The book was largely about sexual intercourse, but the first couple chapters were about marriage in general. We especially loved chapter three. And it showed us that the key to making a marriage not just work, but thrive in God’s design, can be boiled down to this one principle:
You cannot pursue the feeling of being loved and respond to those feelings with actions. You pursue the act of selflessly loving your spouse and the feelings of being in love will follow.
As the book points out: [God’s love], “which must be learned, which starts in the mind, which is subject to the will, not the emotions, always results in action. Love becomes something we do, before it is something we feel.”
In other words, the problem didn’t just lie with Brian, but with me. Though at the time he didn’t care about me enough to intentionally and consistently seek to love and lead me, that didn’t give me the right to stop seeking to love and serve him.
We were both stuck in this sinful cycle of self-love, and Brian especially was stuck in indifference. “Intended for Pleasure” went so far as to say that “the opposite of love is not hate, but indifference.” I still remember sitting on the couch reading about that indifference and seeing it really click for my husband.
Finally, he understood why indifference was so dangerous to life and relationships. God slowly started bringing Brian to the place of wanting to change our marriage for the better, even if that meant more work for him. So we began the journey of starting completely over in our marriage…
Thats a journey that doesn’t end until one of you goes to heaven, but let me tell you, it is completely worth the effort!
I am absolutely no expert on marriage, but I’d like to use the month of June to talk about some practical ways we can shape our marriage to mirror Christ and the Church.
As I mentioned before, we are only touching on the outskirts of principles of a Godly marriage. I highly recommend getting the book “Intended for Pleasure” and reading at least the first three chapters. It outlines in detail Biblical principles that make for a lasting, truly loving marriage that fulfills its godly design and purpose. It is the best book on marriage that I have ever read. 🙂
For the record, my husband read this blog a couple of times so he could help make sure all the facts were right. 😉
© Grace Baeten 2020
Photo credit : Isabella Baeten
The Misplaced Mom 
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