As Brian and I began working on our marriage, we literally started over with everything: We re-evaluated household chores, discussed our frustrations, and revisited sexual expectations. We talked openly about our hurt feelings, and were willing to listen to where the other person felt we had gone wrong. We implemented a simple, but structured routine, made an effort to set aside time to visit with each other…and then suddenly, things improved.
Things weren’t perfect. We’d had over four years of making bad habits together. We still feel frustrated at each other at times as we continue to fight against selfishness. But doing a few simple things has made a HUGE difference in our marriage, so I thought I’d share them with all of you.
Keeping it simple, I’d like to sum up the most important parts of a marriage in five key words. If these words describe your marriage relationship, you know how beautiful a union can be. If not, I’d encourage you to give them a try! Be patient and trust that following God’s design is always best. 🙂
In order of importance, the five words are:
Biblical, Sacrificial, Consistent, Intentional, and Communicative.
- BIBLICAL
I don’t believe it’s possible to have true love without the Biblical definition of love. This love is refined in believers in many ways, but it is so important to be spending time with God on your own, even before you do together. Seek after the things of the Lord, the same way you want your spouse to pursue you.
The more you learn to love and serve like Christ, the more you strive to fulfill your unique role as a wife, the more you work on obeying God’s Word, the better your marriage will be.
“Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” 1 Corinthians 13:4:4-8
2. SACRIFICIAL
Worldly love is selfish, but Biblical love teaches us to self-sacrifice. It teaches us to love others more than we love ourself. As a spouse, we should be seeking our spouse’s good, desiring to love and respect them. We shouldn’t be seeking selfish fulfillment from our spouse, but rather, opportunities where we can give of ourselves to our spouse.
“But it shall not be so among you. But whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be first among you must be slave of all. For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” Mark 10:43b-45
3. CONSISTENT
Nothing works without diligent, consistent, continuing effort. Doing something good once, or even a handful of times, does not mean that you are making a habit of doing your best.
Consistent means to do something the same way or in a similar manner over time. It is a synonym of steady, which the Merriam-Webster dictionary defines as : “Constant in feeling, principal, purpose, or attachment; capable of being depended on; reliable”
We should be consistent in our devotion to Christ, and in our devotion to serving our families.
“Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain.” 1 Corinthians 15:58
4. Intentional
To be intentional is to make a choice, to be purposeful in what you are doing, or not doing. This word works so closely with consistent, and these two words put into action make for lasting change.
To be intentional in your marriage is to decide to love your spouse in a Biblical way, to take action even when that means sacrificing, forgiving, or feeling unloved yourself.
It is incredibly hard, because it requires self-discipline. It is also incredibly rewarding, and brings joy when you realize that we glorify God when we fulfill His call to be intentional with our time, heart, and possessions.
Practically in marriage, this looks like setting aside time to be together, doing family devotions, pursuing physical affection, and actively looking for ways to serve your spouse.
“Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil.” Ephesians 5:15-16
5. Communicative
Communication is so important in a marriage relationship. People kept telling me that when we were engaged, and I thought, “We’ve already got great communication!” Especially when, to me, it was defined as letting Brian know I was running to the grocery store, or explaining why I was angry instead of giving him the silent treatment. (And giving anyone the silent treatment has never been a struggle for me;) )
Although keeping each other in the loop is important, deep communication is more than that. It’s opening up yourself to vulnerability. It’s sharing what’s on your heart, explaining your thoughts, conveying your fears.For us, this looks likes talking, talking, talking!
When we were dating, Brian lived far away for quite awhile. We often talked for hours on the phone, and greatly enjoyed those conversations. Now that we’re living adult life, sometimes we get so busy we forget to talk. Or when we have an opportunity to talk like while riding in the car, we turn on music instead because we’re tired and that’s easy. So here’s another example of being intentional: you make the choice to open your mouth and just start talking, on a regular basis. And you repay the favor of being listened to when your spouse opens up.
Brian and I make a point of talking about everything, from the little things of that day, to the bigger things we’re dealing with inside. We talk about what we’re learning in the Bible, things we’re thankful for, dreams we have, personal struggles… Sometimes, when we’re all caught up on each other’s life, we google good conversation starters to find a fun subject to discuss.
So just start talking, and make a habit of sharing regularly. I have found great joy in knowing my husband knows me inside and out, better than anybody else, and I enjoy learning more about him.
Of course, we can also get easily carried away with our tongue, so it is important to filter our words and tones, and be good listeners too!
“From the fruit of a man’s mouth his stomach is satisfied; he is satisfied by the yield of his lips. Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits.” Proverbs 18:20-21
I’d encourage you to study these principles in God’s Word for yourself! Find some verses that help you put these principles into practice. Then thank God you’re on your way to a better marriage! 🙂
© Grace Baeten 2020
Photo credit: Isabella Baeten
The Misplaced Mom 
Leave a comment