Overcoming OCD: Part 2

I didn’t get a lick of baby blues. I was so relieved and grateful to have a healthy baby, I just didn’t see how I could be sad. A little sensitive and emotional at times, but not depressed. More like overjoyed!

Yet as the weeks wore on, I started doing a lot of cleaning. Mopping my floor…several times a day. Wiping down light switches and door knobs more often. Disinfecting everything that came through my door like groceries, the car seat, or the diaper bag every time we went anywhere. 

As the months went by I continued to add little things to my routine. I didn’t care at first and was convinced I was doing these things because I was keeping my house clean, my environment sanitary, and my baby’s home healthy. 

I’d been blessed in not having any postpartum depression, but I was hit with postpartum OCD. Yep, that’s a real thing. People who already struggle with OCD can have severe flare ups in the weeks and months after giving birth. 

I became very anxious, which I soothed in part by more compulsions. Oh I fought it, but by the time I realized what was going on, I had been letting OCD habits become a part of my daily life for months. That made it even harder to get a grip. 

What starts as a brain disorder (*we’ll talk more about this later) develops habits that can overtake you if you’re not careful. 

The typical “solution” involves one of two things: therapy or medication. For various reasons, neither of those was an option for me. 

I remember very well the day I realized I truly had OCD. I just couldn’t keep up with the cleaning anymore and I wondered what was wrong with me. I remembered reading something about postpartum OCD in one of our birthing classes, so I googled symptoms just out of curiosity. I landed on a website that listed 50 symptoms of someone with regular (not postpartum) OCD. I read them one by one and had over 30 of them. 

Do you know what comes up most frequently if you google obsessive compulsive disorder? “There is no cure, only management.” That’s what every website says. That’s what books say. That’s what people say. “No cure”. Those statements took away any relief I had in being diagnosed. 

But there was something about my life that wasn’t mentioned on those sites. I’m a Christian, and Christ has defeated sin, death, and the devil. We won’t taste His full victory here on earth, but the point is that sin will not win. We may struggle, but He is victorious, on our behalf. 

Anxiety, OCD, whatever the issue, God would give me strength to fight the battles. 

I can’t tell you how bad I wanted a quick fix. How much I wanted to pop a pill or call a counselor. But I believed God’s Word was sufficient, and I still believe that. At the time, I just wasn’t sure where to start.

Providentially, John MacArthur’s radio program was preaching on the sufficiency of Scripture. I soaked up those words, grabbed a new journal, and started writing verses and notes/quotes by various preachers (mostly Charles Spurgeon) until I couldn’t think of any more to write down. I came up with a plan, and as I sat in the Word I was amazed at how OCD faded into the background. Like Isaiah says in chapter 26:3, “You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.”

From day one where I honestly thought my day would never be free from disinfecting for hours every day, to a mere ten days later, I was literally a different person. I still can hardly believe the difference my “*OCD Journaling” made. (*We’ll go in depth on that subject soon.)

I had a grip again, by the grace of God. He is good to me, even when I am a slow learner. And was I ever! After awhile of steady progress, we went through a super busy time of life, and what did I do? Let the journaling slide. Quit actively fighting. Let my guard down again! And just as quickly as I’d improved, I struggled. 

It wasn’t as bad I have to say. There were certain habits I’d truly kicked. But I learned that I had to keep an open eye for new habits. If I could kill them before they got a grip, it was a lot easier. If I gave them even an inch, the fight was so much harder. 

And the fight was hard. Oh the frustration that came. I’d been fighting for weeks and even though I was steadily improving, I couldn’t see it clearly. I’d been really not feeling well also, and the chronic fatigue made me weak in more ways than one. I was wrestling in my heart with God’s choices for my life. Why was everything so hard? Why did I have to fight a battle most people don’t? It takes time and effort to fight a battle. Not to mention heart and soul. Couldn’t God just cure me this time?

Cue the John Piper quote that has become a big part of my story:

“Occasionally, weep deeply over the life you hoped would be.  Grieve the losses. Then, wash your face. Trust God. And embrace the life you have.”

I realized that I could either decide to live the life God called me to, or fight it. Honestly, both can be difficult, but it wasn’t about which one was easier, just which one was the right choice.

Part 3 coming soon!