Having another baby had been on my heart for awhile, but my husband and I were still praying about it. We felt like, at least up to this point, God had said “wait”.
When we arrived at the doctor for Seth’s 18month check, it was not his regular nurse who took us back to the room. She was a friendly girl I think we’d had a time or two before.
Right away I noticed a small bump, and thought maybe she had just had a baby. I didn’t really think anything of it. But I swear something happens to people when they’re pregnant. It’s like they can only think of one thing (and talk about one thing): babies!
She soon started talking about being a mother. She seemed very grateful to be one, which I enjoyed. I soon learned that she had a baby girl not even a year old, and was also 5 months pregnant. She made multiple comments about me having another one since Seth was getting “so old”, and it was about that time.
I chose not to go into our story for several reasons. For one, I really understand not wanting to hear about pregnancy loss when you’re pregnant. For another thing, she talked so fast I wouldn’t have had a chance anyway. And lastly, she mostly just kept hinting that I should want another one, which of course, I do.
But anyway, I kept my reply to a minimum. This was already something I’d been wrestling with in my heart on and off for a while, so I just wanted to focus on something else. Finally, she asked, (kindly but pointed) “Don’t you WANT to have another one?!”
I wasn’t angry at the question, but I took the opportunity to say, “Yes! I would love another one! I love being a mother and it is such a gift.” Then I shared the short version of our story.
She listened. She smiled. She agreed. She commented on what a miracle having Seth must be. I appreciate her response, and was grateful to have been able to share, which in turn put things back into perspective for me, calmed the longing, and made me smile with even more gratitude.
But then, which I can only attribute to pregnancy brain, she called out to me as I left the room, “Maybe next time you come we’ll see you a couple months pregnant!”
Sigh. Frustration. Sin creeping into my heart as it asks God, “Why can some women have two babies in less than two years with such ease? No preparation, no fears, no diseases to try to not worry about. No waiting. Just letting it happen.”
And when I got back to the car, instead of asking God questions I didn’t need answers too, I did something I don’t do as often as I should: I pulled out my spiritual armor. I opened my Bible app and read a passage I’d studied earlier that week.
Live As You Are Called
17 Only let each person lead the life that the Lord has assigned to him, and to which God has called him. This is my rule in all the churches.
18 Was anyone at the time of his call already circumcised? Let him not seek to remove the marks of circumcision. Was anyone at the time of his call uncircumcised? Let him not seek circumcision.
19 For neither circumcision counts for anything nor uncircumcision, but keeping the commandments of God.
20 Each one should remain in the condition in which he was called.
21 Were you a bondservant when called? Do not be concerned about it. (But if you can gain your freedom, avail yourself of the opportunity.)
22 For he who was called in the Lord as a bondservant is a freedman of the Lord. Likewise he who was free when called is a bondservant of Christ.
23 You were bought with a price; do not become bondservants of men.
24 So, brothers, in whatever condition each was called, there let him remain with God. –1 Corinthians 7
Paul had been talking about marriage status and then launches into this passage that’s really about contentment.
A simple truth, yet so profound. Just live the life God gave you.
Most days, I am truly at peace with the journey God has brought us on in regards to parenthood. Even as I begin to deeply desire another baby, I can keep that desire in check when I remember that just as God directed my steps before, He will again. Just as He changed my heart to conform me to His will, and then filled the desires of my heart, He will again, in His time.
Deciding about trying to have another baby is not about having MTHFR. It’s not about desire outweighing fear. It’s not about the previous baby’s age or even what I think is best.
Yes, those things are all things I think about, but at the end of the day I realize my disease only serves to make me face the fact that this choice is not mine to make. The answer doesn’t rest with me, and the outcome is not in my hands. My life is resting in God’s hands, and that is the best place for it to be.
If all of these thoughts and my desire for another baby push me deeper into Christ, make me turn to Him as the only true source of fulfillment for a longing heart, then good has already come from having to wait.
I can’t lie; I don’t always like it. I do not like wanting something I have no control over…but God is good, and He gives peace to the anxious heart.
Perhaps someday I will be blessed in having another baby and watching Seth be a big brother. I would love that! But today I make the choice to live as I have been called, and to embrace that. There is great joy in contentment, and even greater joy in walking with the Lord.
So I guess the next time someone asks me about having another baby, I will take the opportunity to share what God has done in our lives. I’ll explain how I’m so grateful for God’s grace and provision and how He gave us Seth.
Then I’ll tell them the truth: I’d love to have another baby, but it’s not up to me. They are welcome to pray about it with me!
And in the meantime, I will enjoy the life God has given me, and thank Him for it, for He has blessed me abundantly.
The Misplaced Mom 
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