Battling to Win

I think the biggest question I’ve had concerning OCD is “Does it pay to fight?”. I’ve often wondered – “If I go all out in ignoring my compulsions, how much would they quiet down?”

I’ve long believed the secret to fighting OCD can be boiled down to simply ignoring it, but hypocritically I’ve been too afraid to go “all in” and put that theory into practice completely. I’ve done it to some extent every day, because that’s what works best for me… but I was always held back by the fear that fighting harder was a waste of my time – a battle I would loose.

Just a refresher – I don’t know what “type” of OCD I have, but basically I hate germs and want to clean everything all the time. My other big struggle is intrusive thoughts and bad “feelings”. You know – flick the light switch twenty times after you disinfect it because then you won’t get meningitis.

Anyway, over the past seven months or so, several things have happened that lead to me finally decided to go all out in ignoring OCD.

For starters, I had to have surgery for endometriosis. I can get really worried about these kinds of things, but decided to cling to truth: my days are ordained by God – I’m not in control. I meditated daily on a Scripture passage and the song “He Will Hold Me Fast” by the Getty’s. By the time surgery day came around, my husband was more nervous than I was. As I was drifting off for surgery, those words played in my head. Everything was fine.

We began trying to have a baby, and I am being gently reminded of all the lessons I learned while going through miscarriages: I’m not sovereign, but God is in control. I’m not strong enough, but God’s strength never runs out. I fail, but God doesn’t. His plan is good, and I can trust Him. On the list goes. It gives me new resolve to simply pursue obeying God’s Word and leave the consequences to Him; to open my hands to relinquish the illusion of control.

As we still are waiting to get pregnant, I am also being reminded of all the reasons I wanted to be a momma. I grow more thankful every day for the opportunities I have with my son. I am learning more about building a loving, Godly, wonderful, family home and have decided I would much rather invest my time in reading, crafting, and playing with Seth or coffee dates, cooking, and spending time with my husband, than making sure my home is spotless. I’ve always invested in family time, but have made even more time for them as I’ve continued to let go of useless habits.

Finally, in the end of December and beginning of January, we got hit with one sickness after another. We stayed home for weeks. We were all tired and taking care of my family took all of my energy. That was enough to give OCD the final kick.

I decided it was time to reevaluate my day to day life. I felt convicted about making cleanliness an idol.

I also realized that not everything people told me was a compulsion, actually was. For example, I like to keep my kitchen floor clean. I bought a mop that is the easiest thing I’ve ever used. I can mop my kitchen in literally 5 minutes. So I let myself mop it once a day. It’s not a compulsion – it’s part of my homemaking routine. Having a picked-up, well kept house is part of building a loving, welcoming home. Once I quit labeling all cleaning as OCD, I felt immediately better. I won those battles by realizing they weren’t battles at all.

So, I came up with a cleaning routine that was appropriate. It does the job well, isn’t obsessive, and doesn’t take up too much time. After coming up with a plan, the real job was to finally, completely, totally, stick with it.

Somehow I did. If a crumb fell on the floor, I simply threw it away, knowing I’d mop the floor after supper. One night we had company that stayed late. I was too tired to mop the floors so I actually left them until morning, which I haven’t down in a very long time. If I touched something that “felt” dirty but I knew it wasn’t (like a pen), I didn’t wash my hands to soothe the compulsion. I didn’t flick light switches. I didn’t wipe down door knobs more than my once-weekly schedule allowed. I did a normal dusting of my house, instead of scrubbing everything.

Weeks went by until I suddenly realized I didn’t have to try so hard. It wasn’t a struggle anymore, just second nature. For the first time in over 3 years, OCD had finally gone back to living in the background. Oh the burden off my shoulders! The difference was monumental and I remember telling my husband, “I feel like I’m almost cured.”

I want to be completely honest here, so I must tell you these things: The intrusive thoughts get less, but they do not go away entirely. One day they’re gone, the next they are begging for your attention. The compulsions almost go away completely, but sometimes they flare up. Don’t give in.

In past attempts at ignoring OCD, my Intrusive thoughts and compulsive desires always got “louder” the harder I would fight. That’s usually the point at which I used to start backing down. But not this time. This time I kept pushing through a little longer, and they learned to quiet down almost completely. It really is incredible.

Disclaimer: I am not a counselor or doctor, so I cannot guarantee any of this will benefit you. But I just want to encourage you to give it your all, to battle for the win. It will make a difference. After years of wondering, I now do have an answer for us all. It pays to fight hard.

Keep ignoring the desires to compulse. Set guidelines for yourself and follow them diligently. Pick truths to meditate on to keep your “armor” ready for battle. Pray. And – if you stay with it – enjoy feeling a little lighter.

Of course, since I decided to write about this, this week is when I’m being tempted to go back to old habits. Isn’t that how it goes? But I won’t. Lord-willing, I will not lose my progress. Every day of winning feels so much better than the temporary relief of compulsing. That I can promise you.

So, keep pressing on, friend, for the answer to the question is yes. Yes, it pays to fight. Yes, it matters. Yes, you can have a life free of the bondage of OCD.

P.S. I have waited to write this until several weeks of successfully ignoring everything. I didn’t want to just do it a day or two and then fall back into old habits. So, if you’re curious, it’s been about two months.

Also, if you give ignoring OCD a try, I’d love to hear your thoughts, results, struggles, and helps! Let’s encourage each other. 🙂