Faithful

I really didn’t think this is how our year of “infertility” would end. I hoped and prayed miscarriages were behind us. For good.

But as I stared down in shock at that out-of-the-blue positive pregnancy test, my relief at knowing I could still get pregnant was equal to the fear I had deep in my heart. “What if I don’t get to keep you?”

Several weeks ticked by slowly, yet each day felt like a small victory. I loved that baby. I’d rock my four year old son on my lap while reading books to them. We prayed regularly for the baby’s life. We were all excited. For three short weeks we enjoyed our growing family.

Three short weeks. Then an ultrasound revealed very stunted growth and I started bleeding. Nine days later and it was all over. No trace of the baby that had been there just a couple of weeks earlier. The only marks they left behind were on my heart.

So, there we were. More waiting. More decisions. More trusting God to hold broken hearts. More clinging to truth just to try to keep going.

And I wondered – is this what faithfulness looks like?

Three months into trying to get pregnant we had settled on a baby name that meant “pledged to God; God is satisfaction.” Honestly, the name’s meaning scared me even back then. Surrender is scary. But we had pledged to be faithful to God no matter the outcome. Just before our ultrasound that didn’t go well, I remember thinking, “God you’re good, and I’ll be faithful.”

So I was. Our pregnancy failed, but I read my Bible, clung to truth, tried to pray, and suppressed my anger, all while feeling nothing. “God where are you?”

As I eventually started thinking on the faithfulness of God, I contrasted it to mine. My faithfulness was reluctant; God’s was freely given. Mine was obligatory; God’s was bestowed in grace. Mine wasn’t heart-felt; God’s faithfulness displays His heart of kindness and generosity. So I had to ask again – was I really being faithful?

That’s when I began to learn the lesson that doing the right thing for the wrong reasons (or with the wrong heart) isn’t the right thing. Truly righteous deeds come from a heart that abides in Christ.

That does involve the conscious effort to cling to truth when we don’t feel like it, but we must also go to God with our distraught emotions. We confess our reluctancy, our frustrations, the anger hiding under our profession of acceptance.

Our clinging to truth pays off as our heart is transformed from what it is, into what it should be. The Holy Spirit equips us and eventually, we grow. As we hand over the sinful parts of our heart, God continues His work of purifying our motives, so that every day our faithfulness becomes a little bit more like His.

He is always good. May we be found faithful.

© Grace Baeten 2022