The Gift of Autism

*I’m taking a quick break from posting old miscarriage blogs in honor of Autism Awareness Month. Spread the love! 🥰

“My son has autism.” It was quite the (internal) journey for me to get to the place where I could say those words out loud and not just accept them, but embrace them.

I kind of wondered about autism from the time he was a baby, but I kept reasoning away my concerns. Not because I would love him any less, but because I knew life would be harder for him and us as his parents if he had “special needs”. I thought if we just tried harder to teach him, or exposed him to more people, or read him more books, he’d eventually outgrow the developmental delays and quirky behaviors.

I also went through phases where I didn’t see the way he acted sometimes as anything abnormal. As his momma, I just see my little boy. All the quirks seem like part of who my son is, and they make us smile everyday. I don’t see Seth and think “autistic.” He’s just… Seth.

But other people saw it, and when I was finally ready to listen, someone gently said, “I think you need to look into autism.”

I wept. For days. I just felt like it wasn’t fair. I’d recently been diagnosed with degenerative disk disease and endometriosis, and we’d been struggling to get pregnant for months. I was wrestling with accepting that chronic illness is one of the burdens God has called me to carry in this life. Finding out my son was autistic just seemed so unfair. My sweet three year old already had a life-long burden to bear. That was not okay.

I didn’t doubt God’s goodness, but I was frustrated. One night I laid awake and respectfully but honestly poured out my heart to God. “God, I do not understand. Why? Don’t you realize this is something he’ll have to carry for the rest of his life?” When I was finished, I felt Him put on my heart, “Grace, what if this burden if the very thing I’ll use to bind His heart to mine?”

Immediately I thought of the old hymn “Come Thou Fount.” It says, “Prone to wander, Lord I feel it. Prone to leave the God I love. Here’s my heart – Lord take and seal it; seal it for Thy courts above.” Earlier the song says, “Let Thy goodness, like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to Thee.”

“Grace, I will use this to bind his heart to mine.” I finally began to feel at peace.

It’s been almost a year since that night. We’ve all been learning and growing a lot. Autism has certainly changed some things for us, but it’s also given us a lot to be thankful for:

All I ever wanted was to be a mom so that I could both help my child grow and just enjoy watching them grow. Autism provides those opportunities in abundance. Autism makes each developmental season last a little bit longer, which I don’t mind. And I honestly believe it has brought me even closer to my son. He’s teaching me to see the world differently.

I’m not thankful so many things are harder for him than for “typical” kids, but if this is what God is going to use to make Seth cling to Jesus, then it’s a good thing… because if I’ve learned anything from years of struggling to have a child and then years of health issues, it’s that we need Jesus. Not just for salvation, but also to find joy and strength every day.

Needing Jesus is not easier. But it is better. Burdens are not enjoyable to carry, but they force us to look beyond ourselves to Someone greater. He promises to daily bear us up. (Ps. 68:19)

During this last year, my husband and I have taken ABA classes and done a lot of reading. We want to do all we can to help Seth be the best that he can be. One book I really enjoyed was Finding Your Child on the Autism Spectrum by Dr. Laura Hendrickson. The author equates autism to Disney’s Dumbo and his big ears – a feature for which Dumbo was ridiculed. He tripped and fumbled about until he realized he could fly.

She writes, “The essence of what made Dumbo himself didn’t lie in what he was unable to do. Dumbo would never have flown if his ears hadn’t been long enough for him to trip over in the first place. The tripping was a necessary stage in his development into [who he] was born to be. He was never defective or inferior. He was just embarked upon a different path, born for a different kind of life. [Every child with autism] is unique, and the contribution that each makes to our world will be, like Dumbo’s, because of their uniqueness, not in spite of it. This is true even if their main contribution is in teaching the rest of us the joy that comes from loving and caring for those who cannot care for themselves.”

Not everyone is going to understand this life. Some people are going to judge us for the way we approach parenting or the way Seth may act out at times. That’s okay. We just need to “bind our heart to God’s”, and keep walking. We’ll do that hand in hand.

Today we push on through the ups and downs, but I believe what that author wrote about: the work will absolutely be worth it, and, one day,

we’ll soar.

© Grace Baeten 2023