In the last blog we talked about how the Bible says a man’s days are ordained by God. Those verses comfort me when I need to remember God is in control of life, especially my pregnancies. Even more of a comfort is that these verses prove something else: control wasn’t in my hands.
Out of all the insensitive things people say to or about me, the ones implying I could’ve done something more hurt the worst. People act like maybe I just didn’t want our babies enough. Maybe I wasn’t willing to do what had to be done. Or maybe I’m too prideful to admit this is my fault and take other people’s advice.
I know in reality, nothing I could have done would have made a difference, because pregnancy loss is not a direct result of the food you eat, the shampoo you use, or taking a hot bath before you realized you were pregnant. Generally speaking, pregnancy loss results from a chromosome abnormality.
There are mothers who do not take care of themselves and their baby while pregnant. I cannot tell you how this angers me. The mothers who do not want their children for selfish reasons, the mothers who do drugs and drink while pregnant, the mothers who simply do not care about their child’s life enough to be safe and careful…oh how those mothers make my heart hurt. But I’m not talking about them. I’m talking about people like you and me. I did everything I could do, and prayed without ceasing that my child would grow strong and healthy.
Yet, there are people who think they have all the answers. They take credit for their healthy pregnancies, and I want to scream at them through the tears I must choke back, “Don’t you think I did everything I possibly could do? Don’t you think I wanted to raise this child, watch my husband be their father? Don’t you know I love them?”
But to no avail. These people don’t listen. They don’t understand the depth of my love or the truth of God’s Sovereignty, so they assume my problems are a result of my actions, or lack thereof. Kind of like Job, when all of his ‘friends” came to be with him…
For seven days these men sat in silence by Job, simply being with him (Job 2:11-13). What a comfort it must have been to know he wasn’t alone! But then, they had to open their mouths and offer advice for things they didn’t really understand…
Chapter 4: The innocent do not suffer. Implication: Job must be guilty.
Chapter 5: God is just. Implication: Job deserves this.
Chapter 8: God rewards the good. Implication: Job must be bad.
Chapter 11: Oh if only God would just open His mouth and rebuke Job.
Chapter 15: Job uses empty words.
Chapter 18: The wicked are the ones to experience bad things. Implication: Job must be living wickedly.
Chapter 20: The wicked’s victory is short. Implication: Job must be wicked.
And this is only halfway through the book. These men did not know when to stop talking! If only they knew what God had said of Job in chapter 1:8 “And the Lord said to Satan, ‘Have you considered my servant Job, that there is none like him on the earth, a blameless and upright man, who fears God and turns away from evil?’ “
In Chapter 13:1-12 Job says of his “friends”, “ ‘Behold, my eye has seen all this, my ear has heard and understood it. What you know I also know; I am not inferior to you. But I would speak to the Almighty, and I desire to argue with God. But you smear with lies; you are all worthless physicians. O that you would be completely silent, and that it would become your wisdom! Please hear my argument and listen to the contentions or my lips. Will you speak what is unjust for God and speak what is deceitful for Him? Will you show partiality for Him? Will you contend with God? Will it be well when He examines you? Or will you deceive Him as one deceives a man? He will surely reprove you if you secretly show partiality. Will not His majesty terrify you, and the dread of Him fall on you? Your memorable saying are proverbs of ashes, your defenses are defenses of clay.”
Job wasn’t perfect, but he was a righteous man, and hearing his situation was all his fault didn’t help anything. In the end, although God rebuked Job for his pride, God did also rebuke Job’s friends and give Job justice.
Job’s friends were wrong. No man can stand up when measured against God, so Job’s friends were as guilty as he was. But let’s examine this situation a little closer, because I think there are a few things we can learn.
First of all, these men were wrong about a lot of things. However, amidst their hurtful advice and foolish sayings were bits of truth. The wicked’s victory is short, from the perspective of an eternity in hell. God does reward the good, but generally in the sense of an eternal reward. God is just, and He surely must punish the wicked, but all men fall short of God’s standard of holiness. He uses trials and hard circumstances in the believers life, not the wicked’s. Some wicked people will deal with trials as a direct result of their sin, but that is called consequences, not chastisement from God. There is a big difference between truth and almost truth.
Secondly, we should take what people say and think it over. Some criticism is legit, and we would be unwise to throw every piece of advice out the window simply because it was given rudely.
Thirdly, we must understand that while some people give advice out of pride, some do mean well, even if they come across harshly. In my experience, even those insisting I didn’t do it right were offering their thoughts because they honestly believed they could help me.
Still, those bits of truth in peoples’ hurtful criticisms can lead you to heap more guilt on yourself, as if you haven’t already asked a thousand times if this was your fault.
I’d like to reassure it wasn’t: Your loss didn’t happen from a simple mistake you made. It wasn’t the soybean oil in your salad dressing. It wasn’t that your jeans buttoned a bit too tight in the waist. It wasn’t the fact you slept on your stomach for a minute, you have cats, or you got a whiff of bleach. And it most certainly wasn’t that you didn’t love your baby enough.
But.
You do have to take responsibility of caring for you body, especially while pregnant. I can’t stop taking all of my pills and expect God to make up for my irresponsibility. There is a balance in realizing your pregnancy is in God’s hands, while still doing your part. How do you find that balance?
For me, this seemed impossible. Every miscarriage made me more afraid to do anything while pregnant. I drove people nuts, including myself, over whether I could eat this or that, touch anything, or breath public air. But after learning about my disease, I was finally convinced I didn’t do anything wrong. My miscarriages were not my fault. I felt relieved. Until someone remarked how my body didn’t work, so in a way, it was my fault.
Now I knew deep, deep down that remark wasn’t true. But it hurt, and I was so sick of hearing people imply or say, “If only you had…”, “If you listened to me”, ”If you took the pills I told you about”, “If you lived more like I do”. If you’ve heard things like this, you know how deep those remarks cut into your heart.
I vented to a friend my hurt and frustration. She retorted, “Right, I mean you asked for this disease.” That simple comment gave me relief, because she was right. I didn’t do this. I couldn’t have prevented it, and I can’t change it. My situation was and is not my fault. Even if I have to repeat that to myself over and over again, I will, because I already live with the burdening desire to have children and the grief over ones I’ve lost; I’m not living with false guilt. You shouldn’t either.
So finding balance is possible: do your part. Take your prenatal, follow the medical plan you’ve mapped out with your doctor, rest, eat balanced meals, take any required medications. Then leave it in the Almighty Hands of God. Pray for your child, and trust God for everything else. He is in control, and He will not leave you uncared for, even for a moment. He’s watching over you, and the precious life inside of you.
Perhaps letting go sounds insensitive to some people. A mother wants to do everything she can to hold her child close. I know I want to. I also know a mother does what is best for her child, even when that requires sacrifice. The absolute best thing a mother can do for her child is to willingly place them into God’s loving care. After all, we aren’t really in control anyway.
As far as those people who will think you didn’t do the right things, just let that go too. The people who really care about you will be willing to hear your point of view, and respect your decisions for whatever course of action you think best. It doesn’t matter what other people think. What does matters is that you can stand before God with a clear conscience, and the assurance of His love.
You know the truth. You know you loved your baby enough to make almost any sacrifice to keep them. You also know your child’s life was not resting in your power, but in God’s. God loves your baby too, and whatever happened, or happens, is for your good and His glory.
And just as His care for you is certain, so is the fact your babies are valued, and you loved them enough.
© Grace Baeten 2023
The Misplaced Mom 
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