Late in the Night

Sometimes late in the night, I still feel like a little girl, scared of the dark and wanting her mom or dad to come comfort her. But instead of the dark being a lack of physical light, it’s a horrible feeling covering my heart.

I wish people understand the pain that comes from an infertility journey. I don’t wish everyone had to go through it, just that they understood it. That I didn’t have to try to find words to explain why even at 6 months pregnant, other people’s pregnancy announcements still send pain through my heart. I wish, when my face fills with tears instead of a smile, they just knew why.

But I guess I’m not even sure why. Maybe it’s because I’m jealous pregnancy is so easy for most people. Maybe it’s because it brings back really painful memories. Maybe it’s because this journey still scares me. Maybe it’s because it makes me work through and lay down my grief again.

I don’t know. I just know that even with all the good we’ve seen, all the ways God has been faithful and gracious and kind, there is a big piece of my heart that still aches. Sometimes it is just too much to carry.

And so, in the middle of the night when I can’t sleep, sometimes I make my way to the play room. I sit in the rocking chair. And I sob. I cry for what we lost. And what we gained. I cry for the grief and the joys. I cry with thanks to God for his strength and feebly beg Him for more because I need Him. I let it all out before quietly making my way back to bed.

And I feel like that little girl again. But this time I am comforted in the dark by my Heavenly Father who not only sees my struggles, but helps me carry them.

I may never fully make peace with the grief and scars that linger from almost a decade of struggling to have kids. But I can find rest in the arms of God who promises that one day my struggle will be over.

Through gratitude, I can find joy in the good gifts God has given me.

In His provisions.

In His grace.

In His character.

And His arms that stay the dark, bringing light onto whatever path we’re called to journey along.

His light never wanes, but instead grows brighter and brighter, until full day. (Proverbs 4:18)

©️ Grace Baeten 2024