Fertility Story Part 8

At the height of my health struggles & the start of our second round of RPL, our firstborn was diagnosed with autism. That’s a journey in & of itself.

As we walked through all that, my relationship with God deteriorated. I felt afraid of Him. I wondered why He hated me. Why He inflicted or allowed so much pain. How He could watch my family nearly drown in trial after trial. I started to avoid Him because I thought if I “kept my head down” so to speak, maybe He’d pass me by.

I’m going to be honest & say that I began to hate the Christianity I knew… the one of legalism & a God quick to wrath but slow to mercy. The version of God I was being taught about made Him a reluctant Savior. A God tired of our sin & of us. A God ready & waiting with trials on hand as punishment for our screw-ups, instead of as refinement for our good.

Desperate for relief from the oppressive feeling He was only always angry at me, my family went to stay with a Pastor friend & his family for a short weekend. He spent hours talking with me about the gospel & grace.

He flat-out told me, “Ironically Grace, I don’t think you believe in grace.” I knew it was true.

He walked through the crucification. “Grace, trials aren’t punishment. Christ took your punishment. God never ‘takes us out behind the woodshed for a good whipping’, because Christ already bore ALL of your sin. God is not angry at you. He loves you.”

I left their house with immense relief. None of my trials were better, but I felt like I could talk to God again.

The Pastor we stayed with cautioned me it would take years to rewire my wrong theology. I began Biblical Counseling at a School closer to home. When I tell you it changed my life, I am not exaggerating. The lessons I learned! With the most profound being this: God is NOT like us.

He’s not impatient.
He doesn’t love reluctantly. He loves lavishly.
He isn’t angry at His children.
He executes justice with a heart of righteousness, not hatred.
His forgiveness, love, & grace are truly unconditional.
I can’t exasperate Him.
His goodness is incomprehensible.

& He NEVER abandons His own.

Ever so slowly, the heavy burdens on my heart began to feel a bit lighter.

©️ Grace Baeten 2025