Joy and Pain

It has been said that joy and pain are capable of coexisting. But I think it should also be said that while experiencing joy with the pain of loss, there is often also a third emotion of guilt.

Guilt over the fact that even though they aren’t here, you are enjoying something. Guilt that even without them, you have the ability to feel happy.

I know I’ve felt that way…in fact I haven’t given joy too much room in my heart because I feel like missing them should always be my main emotion. And even if I didn’t want to miss them every second, I couldn’t help it. It’s just there, and it often is much stronger than any emotion of joy.

So I think this is when we need to sort through our mess of thoughts, and stick to the facts.

1. You will miss them forever. There will always be a place in your heart just for them, and that will not go away. But there is a difference between missing them, and pining for them. I will forever wish our babies were with Brian and I, but to shut out everything and everyone else will only increase the pain, and the list of things you have lost.

2. Guilt always needs to be evaluated to see if it’s reasonable. The truth is, you don’t need to feel guilty for enjoying what you have. In fact, I would say that you should feel guilty if what you have is being wasted.

3. Coexist is the big word here. A lot of emotions coexist. We women know this especially! How many times have we felt several emotions all at once? Like angry and sad? Or excited and nervous? Emotions are not separate compartments that we feel one at a time. So feeling joy and sadness at the same time is really a natural thing.

Natural as it may be, we tend to shove the joy aside for one reason or another. I know I do because I don’t want to feel like I’m moving on.

But In reality, there is no fear of that. I couldn’t move on and forget if I tried. The Misplaced Mom is who I am…but it’s only a PART of who I am.

I am also a wife and a homemaker, a daughter and sister, a niece and granddaughter, a baby-sitter and a friend.

Most importantly, I am a Christian. And Christians have the deepest, truest joy there is.

So let’s not forget to let the joy that is bigger than our circumstances shine through.

Let’s not forget to love those we have around us.

Let’s not forget that we aren’t the only ones who feel misplaced.

Missing our babies shouldn’t make us love our husband or our families any less. I think it should make us love them even more! And part of loving others is serving them, and enjoying them.

I know I couldn’t describe the gratitude towards God for all the gifts He’s given me, and I show that gratitude when I let joy penetrate my sorrow, and don’t let sorrow steal all the other moments that God gives.

There’s even joy in remembering our babies. They will always be what God used to make me a mother. They will always be a tool He used to re-shape my heart and strengthen my faith. They will always be a part of our family…just like life will always be a mix of emotions – including sorrow and joy.

Now I’m not talking about that superficial feeling of happiness; I’m talking about the feeling of enjoyment. The feeling you feel when God answers your prayer or when your husband reaches for your hand or when your sister sleeps over. The feelings you have when you’ve realized that you’ve lost, but you haven’t lost everything. The feeling you have when you miss them, but you smile because they were.

Joy, gratitude, faith.

The feelings God gives when you reach deep into His word and let Him hold your heart; when you realize each moment is a gift and there is no guilt in seizing that.

I think that’s when you realize that in letting in joy, you’ll also open the door to other good things… like healing.

*I think it should be said that, generally speaking, this blog pertains to those who have had a considerable amount of time pass after their last lost. There is a time when grieving is a bigger part of your life, before you’ve worked through all the stages of grief. This is just a reminder that after the initial grieving, joy must be allowed back into your life also, so that you are able to live it.

2 Corinthians 4:15

15 For it is all for your sake, so that as grace extends to more and more people it may increase thanksgiving, to the glory of God.
16 So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day.
17 For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison,
18 as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

© Grace Baeten 2020