Our Christmas card this year was supposed to look different than it does. I could’ve had a six month old. Or I could’ve been very pregnant – due December 31st. Or I could currently be entering the second trimester. But instead of some type of happy baby announcement, I’m still grieving all the losses we’ve had this last year.
Few things have been more emotionally draining to me than our journey to having kids. Whether it was a month I didn’t get pregnant or a devastating miscarriage, my heart has often felt like it just couldn’t take any more.
A couple of years after our son was born, we struggled for an entire year to conceive another baby. Three months into those twelve, we decided we liked the name Eliza which means, “Pledged to God; God will satisfy.” Deep down, I really believed one day God would give us a baby again, and we decided right then and there to name her Eliza as a testimony to God’s provision.
God did give us another baby – several more in fact – and we did name one Eliza… but they’re in heaven, and not on our Christmas card.
During this last year, God has re-impressed upon my heart that only Christ can satisfy. We think achieving whatever we’re pursuing will make good on its promise to fill a void, but it won’t. We think, “After this desire is met, I’ll finally have enough.” We humans have an insatiable appetite for self-pleasure, and I can almost guarantee that when one desire is met, it will simply make room for a different one. That is yet another reason we must learn to go to the well which never runs dry.
To my great surprise, while each month of not conceiving has brought many tears, it has not brought despair. The loss of each baby broke my heart deeply, but by God’s grace alone, I still maintain that God can satisfy, and sustain the one who depends on Him.
There is peace in my heart. It’s right next to the fears of “What if we never have any more children here…”, but I am learning that it’s okay to hold two emotions at once.
These years of fertility issues and health problems have caused me to question: what does it really mean that Christ is satisfaction; that God is enough? This is what I have learned: It doesn’t have to feel like He is. Frustration can exist right next to acceptance. Disappointment can exist right next to joy. Pray requests can exist right next to gratitude for what we’ve been given today.
Christ satisfying does not look like life being perfect. It looks like grace that fills our heart with joy – joy that I am His and He is mine.
This joy rises above our circumstances and the world around us.
Though I have a deep longing for more children that is currently unfulfilled, Christ is enough to hold my heart steady.
Though I have days of pain, fatigue, and health flares, Christ is enough to promise me a new body someday, and a Friend who sits with me in the pain today.
Though sometimes I struggle with anxiety over the what ifs, I know Christ is sovereign over all my days. I can rest in Him.
He is near enough to hear my cries, big enough to hold all my tears, caring enough to cover me with His wings, and strong enough to hold me tight when I want to wander astray.
Life can be hard, but it is also beautiful. The sun sets and the sun rises, bringing with it a new day of mercies that will never lack. God’s steadfast love will not leave me.
We can find a way to embrace life for what it is and to enjoy what God has given us, only after we have learned to enjoy the God who has given it. Only when we are near to God will we truly understand what it means to be satisfied.
We were created for a relationship with our Creator. The void we are always trying to fill has only one true cure.
So rest beside the Living Water and drink, friend. Here lies lasting satisfaction.
“Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you. So I will bless you as long as I live; in your name I will lift up my hands. My soul will be satisfied as with fat and rich food, and my mouth will praise you with joyful lips, when I remember you upon my bed, and meditate on you in the watches of the night; for you have been my help, and in the shadow of your wings I will sing for joy. My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me.” Psalms 63:3-
©️ Grace Baeten 2023
The Misplaced Mom 
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