Even This

I really should know better by now. But no matter how many times I do this, I see a second pink line and hope takes hold for a moment.

All I can do is beg God. Please please please make this baby live.

I rehearse Daniel 3:18. “The God I serve is able… and He will… but even if He doesn’t…”

Sometimes I mean it. Sometimes I don’t.

Sometimes I’m not sure and I cling to the truth that He loves me even when my faith is too small to see the big picture.

My faith feels small today. It is weak and fragile and so worn down by the tumultuous pain of losing a dozen babies.

I wonder when spring will come; when this dark season of winter will end.

There is no bow to wrap this story up in. There is no nice way to frame the fear and heartbreak that comes from loving so deeply a baby who couldn’t stay.

But there is a God whose grace extends far deeper than my pain could ever go.

There is a God who wraps His arms around His hurting child and promises that some day, I will be okay again.

He’s going to make it all okay.

So until winter does turn to spring, I’ll keep crying out and trust that this,

even this,

will bring forth good.

©️ Grace Baeten 2024